Beauty in Ordinary Things

In honor of the perfectly simple and simply perfect "Office" finale last night, I feel compelled to work on my ability to find beauty in ordinary things. I feel that it's something no one does as often as they should. But it's hugely important to finding meaning in the chaos that is our lives.


1. Driving in the car with Evelyn.  I do it every morning, day in and day out, so it's easy to look past this special time we share. We have silly conversations, we sing little songs, or she tells me about her day. Her newest favorite game is calling, "MAMA?" and I reply, "yes, baby?" And she calls back, "Mamaaaa" in a sing-song voice, and I call back "Evelynnnnn" in a sing-song voice, and then she giggles helplessly.

2. My First period AP class.  They are funny, dedicated, and very intelligent. It has been the best possible way to start my day. I couldn't ask for anything more from a group of juniors. Love them all.

3. The California sunshine. I fail to notice it as often as I should. But on gray mornings like today, it's easy to miss. I feel so thankful to live here and enjoy this climate.

There are so many simple pleasures in life, and so much absolute beauty. What beauty can you find in your ordinary life today? Tell me about it!

Nerdy teacher alert: planning for Common Core

Well the burnout phase has passed and I'm less than week from pure, unadulterated freedom. It's so close I can taste it. But instead of relishing in how little time is left, I am working hard to make the most of it.

My IB seniors are long gone. It was a fabulous year and I loved every second of it. My AP students, after handily defeating their exam, are dutifully working on their in-class final. My Freshmen have been working to complete a 3-week long final project.

It all means a lot of downtime.

Today, I made good use of that time by reviewing the new Common Core state standards, our newly designed pacing guide (which I was on the district committee for), and what I had done in past years.

Change, it is a-comin', folks.

But I am not afraid of it. I am excited. Eager, even. Common Core seems right to me. Not perfect, far from it, but right. A big step towards the right direction. As I have only been teaching for 7 years, I have never experienced a standards shift before. Many of the veterans talk of "ideas coming and going," as if improvement can never be achieved. But I see it in Common Core. I see it and I feel it and I am ready for it.

As a creature of comfort and habit, I knew I needed to start my planning now, particularly for my freshmen. I have taught freshmen since 2006. Every year. And I like the way I do it. But, Common Core has ripped the beloved "Giver" from my grasp and supplanted it in the 6-8 exemplars. So that meant Isha had some thinking to do.

Our school year is split into 6-6 week chunks. On the pacing guide committee, we assigned each of the 6 week chunks a writing task: narrative, informative/expository, argument, literary analysis, research, synthesis (in order). So with those end results in mind, and the knowledge I have about the depth and scope required of the Common Core, I set out to rebuild my year plan. I am pretty happy with the results, and feel as though next year won't be as difficult with everything mapped out. I will have plenty to do--new forms to create, new lessons to plan out. But I have an idea of what's happening every day next year.

My biggest change is swapping out "The Giver" and replacing it with "Fahrenheit 451." I did teach this to freshmen once previously, and failed miserably. College Prep freshmen can be difficult to motivate, so I am moving it to our last novel. I will start the first 6 weeks with short stories (something else I have largely ignored in the past) and "Of Mice and Men." The second six weeks will be devoted to our ERWC, an expository reading and writing course designed by the Cal-State system. Each 6 weeks will involve one major writing assignment, and one culminating performance task (heyyy Common Core buzzword!). The third six weeks will involve a basic and simple research assignment leading into an argumentative essay.

The fourth sixth weeks is designated for "Romeo and Juliet," which will take a lot of our time. After that, we will move into our gigantic research project. We will end the year with "Fahrenheit 451" and a 4-week performance task where all of the major writing elements will be covered. Throughout the year, I am devoting every Wednesday to grammar improvement and mastery. This will be tough, people. I hate grammar. But I can't keep short-changing my students because I don't spend time on it. Love it or hate it, they need it.

Whew! That's a lot! It's simultaneously less complicated than previous years, and incredibly more complicated than anything I have ever done. But, I am excited. I took great care to improve my AP instruction this year, and I saw tangible benefits (and can't wait to see the scores!). My freshmen instruction, however, fell by the wayside, and I think this new plan will keep me motivated and focused (albeit, a little frightened, as well) at all times. Every six weeks, I have two unassigned days for anything that might come up (counselor presentations, district tests, a lesson that goes long) so I don't think I will have to mess with it too much.

The best part? Now I don't have to spend time on this noise over the summer!

To the Common Core!

The Worst Night.

I can still feel it.

It's still quite real.

As if it just happened yesterday.

The night I knew I couldn't hide anymore.

For days, weeks, months, the thoughts were there. The visions. The flashes.

The thought itself would whiz by, but the emotion would stay for hours.

What would I do if someone broke in?
Could I get her out if the car flipped?
What if someone started shooting at the mall?

Not atypical thoughts in our society, really. But the obsession, the compulsion, the long-lasting impact was absolutely atypical. But I fought, and fought, and fought some more. It couldn't be real, and it would go away.

But it wasn't going away.

And then, that night. The worst night.

Chris had basketball. It was just me and the baby. It was dark, and time to put her to bed. We went up to the loft and settled into the rocking chair. She latched and began nursing. We rocked, back and forth, back and forth, quietly.   A vision entered my mind, and I shewed it away, eyes tightly closed.

When I opened my eyes, I realized it wasn't a vision.
I was seeing it.

I saw hundreds of spiders, black widows, brown recluses, crawling all over Evelyn.

I saw them. They were there.

They were NOT there. I closed my eyes again, begging, pleading with my brain to stop. I opened my eyes again and I saw them still. I couldn't contain my fear. I jumped from the chair, Evelyn in my arms, hopelessly brushing the not-real spiders from my surprised baby. She rooted to relatch, and I kept brushing her soft skin. I did so until they finally faded from my eyes. Shaking, I found the chair again, sat down, and clutched Evelyn as warm tears sprung from my eyes. Within 5 minutes, she was sleeping. I laid her down in her crib, went back to the chair, sat, and cried until Chris got home.

I knew I could not ignore this. I knew that it was bad, and would only get worse if I didn't deal with it. 

The PTSD triggered my anxieties. The PPA continued them. The PPOCD created an obsession with them. And I had ignored it for well over 6 months before I finally admitted that something wasn't right, and I agreed to get help. It was the hardest decision I had ever made, and by far the most rewarding. Do not hide; do not be ashamed. Reach out and get the help you so richly deserve.

On Mother's Day: There was a time.

There was a time when it controlled me.

There was a time when I had no hope.

There was a time when I felt void of all human emotion, save for anxiety and fear.

There was a time, and that time has passed.

On this Mother's day, things were perfect. Amazing. Lovely. I enjoyed every second. I woke up and Chris got me Starbucks. We got ready, and took the baby to the zoo. She loved it, and promptly told us how every single animal there: "Needa go poop. He go potty." (This is her recent, and rather odd, new obsession). We brought her home to nap, and went and got me a tattoo. Then, we had dinner at Yardhouse before watching a Red Wings game 7 victory. I literally couldn't ask for anything more.

Last Mother's day, we went to a baseball game, and it was fun. But things weren't good yet. Not in my head. I was still suffering. I still hadn't found the blue sky freedom that I enjoy now.

So after a profoundly amazing day, like yesterday, I feel compelled to be grateful. Not just for the countless blessings that lay around me--a beautiful baby girl, a loving husband, an incredibly supportive family and wonderful friends. But grateful that I am where I am. That I fought through the darkness.

That now, I can feel washed over by an anxiety, acknowledge it, and shake it off. At this time last year, I would have obsessively poured over that thought for hours. Wondering, planning, thinking, thinking again, thinking one more time. Now, I feel it, I see it, and it is gone.

I still don't know what did it, or what truly changed within me to fix it. I know I worried about it's return while dealing with the post-nursing hormones, but that sadness, too, faded. I know that my CBT has given me the tools to beat this demon, laugh in its face, and go about my day as though it never existed.

But I know many mothers are not there yet.

I know many mothers enjoyed yesterday, but merely went through the motions. They were me last year. Maybe they haven't gotten help yet. Maybe they are part-way through their journey. Maybe their demon needs stronger tools to manage it. Regardless, they are not yet free.

If that is you, if you still feel that way, please know that it will be ok.

Please know that this time will pass. Please know you can defeat this.

Please read Post Partum Progress. Please talk to spouses, family and friends. Please seek help. But please reach out for a hand that will BE there for you to hold. You will feel better.

Your days will be wonderful again. I promise.

Project House: What we have done.

Unfortunately, I don't have a ton of before pics of what we have done. And, there isn't much, anyway. But. Here's what I do have.

 Evelyn's room was my very first order of business. I had dreamed about creating her room, with color on the wall, for so long, that it was priority number uno. It is virtually done, save for a few small touches. We still need to paint the brown closet doors white, and install a new ceiling fan (I am pretty sure that thing runs on diesel). I love her room, and plan on doing a few decor updates as we can afford it, but I am very happy with it for now. I forget the paint color name, but it was Glidden.

The kitchen became priority number two because the dirt brown was hideous with the cabinets. The ENTIRE HOUSE is that brown (you can see it above the cabinets and in the background). Every single room. We had bought the paint for the kitchen early in our move. We wanted something VIBRANT, which was hard for me, because I am a really neutral color person. This color is Behr Teal Zeal. However, after we bought it, and school started, the project got pushed aside until one night, in a flurry of passion, I taped the entire kitchen and just started painting at around 8:30 pm. I absolutely love it.

The railing outside the house (which you can see on my first Project House post) was black. Which seemed silly to me, because all the other trim on the house was white. So, I got some great spray paint, and spruced that right up. I absolutely love it.


 Our biggest change so far was the living room. We painted it a soft yellow (Behr Moon Mist), and hung curtains to get rid of the hideous vertical blinds. The curtains are from Ikea and I love the simple design. Currently, the entryway and hall are still the ugly brown, and they will soon be the same yellow from this room. Our new sectional (hard to see here) is a charcoal gray, and we got it from Living Spaces. Best money we have spent--we ADORE it and it's lovely.

 I have just started FINALLY getting the decor up. I found these snazzy little circles at Ross for under $20 total. Chris didn't like them at first, but does now (thankfully, because I wasn't taking them down). I have started the gallery wall, as well, although we need a few prints still. We also bought Chris his dream chair--a swivel rocker recliner. We couldn't find one in gray, so we went with this tan, and I think it works well.

And...that's about it. We have pulled out a bush or two in the front yard, but on the whole, we haven't done much. That's going to change. And fast. :)